the death of your marriage begins when you ignore the inner child god is calling you to heal
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Welcome!
How are you feeling brother, yes that’s what I’m asking you, not what your thinking. What are you physiologically feeling in your body right now or what keeps coming up. Often do you feel angry like your partner is against you or even the whole world?
Do you feel alone, like there is nobody out their who can relate to being accused of acting crazy.
It seems like you’re the one that’s the sane person around you, after all you use logic and reason. You look at life by learning who are the weak those who don’t go after what they want and don’t even know who they are and those who have their shit together.
Your proud of yourself because you’ve experienced a lot of shit in your life. Most people have not walked in your shoes, have gone through that type of darkness that is usually reserved only for extra’s in nightmare on elm street.
Your painfully aware of what it’s like to feel betrayed, rejected. When someone promises they’re never going to leave, but always in the end head for the door. So you convince yourself that you don’t care about anybody anymore. It’s not like you don’t still spend time and strengthen friendships and connections after all you’re the life of the party. Because your real, you love authenticity and don’t care if people know all about your flaws and what kind of fucked up life you survived. Your proud of those tragedies, the challenges, you got through it and it made you into a better man because of it.
But guess what, now that you have found the women of your dreams, someone that will listen to your long drawn-out stories with all that passion behind it, and not run through a brick wall. You find yourself feeling vulnerable for the first time in a long ass time. Makes sense, you’ve never been this committed, this close and personal with someone other than early moments with Mom. You forgot what it was like to give a fuck about what someone else thought of you or how they looked at you. And now after the honey moon phase has warn off and all of that, It feels like when I’m with her it’s like heaven on earth type mind set and fluffiness has been spent. Your left more often getting into arguments where you end up feeling resentment towards your wife because you feel like she’s trying to control you. And I know right, nobody will ever control you. You are independent, you know who you are and what you want and nobody will ever change that.
The thing is your life isn’t unicorns throwing up rainbows, you feel stressed a lot of the time, you don’t even understand that concept of fun anymore. You just get your work done, spend time with your wife, but at the same time you feel disconnected. You love her deeply, you would take a bullet for her. But you struggle to feel safe in her arms, you might not be willing to even do that. Words like safe to you sound like weakness, like something a tiny little child would dream about being secure in a loving home.
It turns out that the way your going to find genuine connection, intimacy that deep longing of feeling understood for the first time in your life is if you learn to embrace the inner child within you. That little guy who just didn’t get enough emotional closeness with his Dad.
You have to trust in our Heavenly Father Brother. He’s not as cold and distant as you think. And how much he loves you is not based on how you behave. He see’s you as his son, and when you can see yourself as his child and not someone who has to have it all together. To be strong like judge Dread in his unflinching almost nonhuman lack of compassion or any emotion what’s so ever. Instead, you can learn that your true strength is to be like a child to show vulnerability to be honest that sometimes you feel scared and when you feel out of control it’s like your already in a grave. Because you still don’t trust God to take care of you. Well, I know you can reach that place, because I did, and if your not aware by now, I personally can relate. I’m sure not to every single detail I mentioned, because we are made in God’s image as unique snowflakes, of course manly snowflakes with sun glasses, tattoos and leather jackets.
I’m inviting you to take this journey with me into discovering who God made you to be. To lay down your weapons. I’m asking you to be real with me, to be exposed, to share your past and I know your used that, but also to grow in knowing what it’s like to be taken care of, I’m going to be the facilitator for the Holy Spirit to come into your life and remind you of just how powerful you are, truly powerful. To be connected to your heart, to see God as your loving Father who doesn’t look at your mistakes. That’s how you find true healing is being reminded of how much he already loves you.
I can’t wait to start this journey with you brother. But just remember. Your Frodo in this story and I guess you can consider me Gandalf. This is about you, I’m only going to help you with knowing who you already are.
About Me
I’m Kurtis Mercer. I was born on the island of Newfoundland, Canada. I grew up in a higher middle-class family with two sisters, my mom, and my dad.
Life early on was just like any other youth-filled childhood, I wanted to ride bikes, slip and slide in the summertime and climb trees.
But, at thirteen years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD, was told by my teachers and parents that it was a learning disability, and I wasn’t as smart as the other kids in my class. I had to take pills to be normal, to be average like everyone else, barely.
The belief that I was stupid and nobody would ever love me became my core mantra in life, which affected my teenage and adult years.
In middle and high school, I became addicted to long-term relationships because they gave me the attention and love I couldn’t give myself.
After high school, I tried drugs for the first time, and that led to a lot of confusion, chasing after pleasure and running away from pain. I sought entertainment in movies, video games, clubbing and concerts, any experience that would distract me from thinking about the state of my life, how I was still living at home with my parents, had no prospects for the future, no extra schooling, just mooching off the car takers who raised me.
Eventually, I grew out of illegal substances but replaced them with esoteric philosophies that skewed my understanding of the world. Which only led to even more isolation, I was already comfortably uncomfortable with.
Over the years, I became more numb to my emotions, and I put myself in debt by going after things in life I couldn’t achieve. And in the end had nothing to show for it.
There were many times I wanted to end my life. I just felt empty, and I had no purpose. I didn’t know who I was, what mattered to me. The world just seemed so unforgiving, and only pain and suffering were inevitable.
But then I found Jesus after almost dying, and he made me realize there was so much more to life, that I was capable of love and forgiveness, mostly towards myself.
He changed my outlook on life, but still, even more than before I was a Christian, I experienced emotional pain, and I made choices that hurt the ones I loved.
But I became aware through Christ in my own inner pain that I wasn’t aware of before. The beliefs and memories I held from my past were preventing me from moving forward in my life.
This led me to pursue schooling in Emotional Health Work, where I learned about the impact of trauma on the brain, triggers, and their effects on our lives and relationships. I also explored forgiveness, compassion, and how Jesus can heal these issues.
I learned that it was possible not only to survive but to be able to properly handle painful emotions when they come up and process them.
To not live in a state of constant anxiety, stress and depression.
But to understand that just like the Bible say, “We can do all things in Christ who strengthens us.” We can live fully connected to God, with open hearts, allowing us to feel, process, and understand our emotions easily.
“That God wants to give us the desires of our heart,” so we can live in abundance, financially, in relationships, and spiritually. That we can truly create what ever we want in this life to effect the lives of others, to make impact in this world and spread the message of the Kingdom that freedom is available, to live more in joy, excitement and anticipation but at the same time being able to live in feelings of shame, doubt and fear.
Becoming fully alive in Christ does not mean ever experiencing any pain or challenges anymore. But to know that,
“Our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”
Romans 5:3-5
But none of these things come easily. To live a free and abundant life, we must face our pain, endure struggles, and experience feelings of doubt, shame, and rejection.
To take chances and do things we are by nature adverse to doing. You are accepting to die to yourself, and that is as painful as you think it is, but when we fully know that God is in control and that he would never give us anything we can't handle (1 Corinthians 10:13), then we can survive any storm that is thrown our way. The choice is ours to change and receive the wonderful gifts he has for us in this life.
IT'S ALL ABOUT LEARNING & GROWING
"We must develop the ability to create the mental and emotional space inside ourselves to observe and understand what we are doing and think about why we do it."
Beatrice Chestnut, PhD
let's uncover what is underneath!
TESTIMONIES
"Kurtis has played a crucial role in my healing journey and I could never thank him enough for it; he was the main reason for my transformation taking place over the last few years ."
Andrew Warren, Newfoundland, Canada
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